The Adventures of Mama CPop and Kid Bane

 People, Let me paint you a picture:

 

 

You're in the grocery store or, let's be real here, Target, and you say to yourself or your significant other that you'll pop in quickly for some cereal, some cleaning supplies, maybe a couple of patio chairs. No problem! That's a 10-15 minute jaunt, max!

No, wait. You have a kid (maybe a set). A kid who's neck deep in their Terrible Two phase. A two year old who's angelic smile and curly hair hide their devil horns. Now that 10 minute trip has spiraled into a 30 minute frantic dash through the aisles. Your kid is already whining and you've only JUST put them in the shopping cart.

You venture down an aisle, ONE AISLE, and then it starts. The complete and total possession of your child. Bucking, writhing, yelling, and ... hold the frak up! Was ... was that Latin?!? NO! You can't let them win, your kid and the demons residing within your child! YOU'RE the parent! You WILL buy butt-wipe!! You WILL get that cereal you came out for!! And come HELL or HIGH FUCKING WATER you WILL reward yourself with a delicious iced latte! You'd Irish that bad boy up if you could!

People are staring at you because they're convinced you're beating a sack of cats against your shopping cart. They watch you as you tell your kid that no, they cannot have candy, a cookie, a toy, your sanity. The people, they watch and they judge. You're caving under the pressure. You can't REASON with a two year old. There's no explaining to them that 'we don't behave like that' and having them understand. Nope. Bottom line ... Kids can be selfish, heartless jerks. Villains in the classic fairy tale/comic book sense. They don't have any reason to be lashing out, but deep inside their very core they know that YOU MUST SUFFER!! If my two year old had the ability of stringing together a cohesive sentence she would be telling me to FOAD! (Look it up, people)

That was my reality today and for the past few shopping trips. Want to know how I deal with it? Simple ... Just imagine your child as a tiny little Bane. The Dark Knight Rises Tom Hardy, Bane. Complete with Bane-Voice. Trust me, it will save your fragile psyche!! 
That, or plunge you further into the Abyss of Insanity. I now give you ...

  

The Adventures of Mama CPop and Kid Bane: The Eternal Struggle
   

Me: Okay, sweetie. We're going to pick up a few things. I want you to be good, okay. 

Kid-Bane: No, mother. That's not how the game works! I'll give you two minutes of uninterrupted shop-time. Once time is up what happens next will be entirely on you. 

Me: If you flip out while we're in here you'll be put in time-out when we get home. Do you understand?

Kid Bane: You're threats are weak, just like your spirit!

*Kid Bane attempts escape from the shopping cart. I buckle Kid Bane in*

Kid Bane: Do you really think these restraints will hold me?!

Me: Stop trying to bust out!

Kid Bane: Stop wasting your breath!

Me: *Mumbles a string of expletives and eyes the exit*

Kid Bane: I knew you would break eventually!

Me: *Trying to regain composure in a deserted aisle/Praying to Baby Jesus, Galactus, Cthulhu*

Kid Bane: Why have we stopped?! I thought you NEEDED cereal!!

Me: *Stink Eye*

Kid Bane: I wondered what would break first. Your spirit *opens shopping cart buckle and attempts to escape the cart* or your pride!!

Me: *Ignoring Kid Bane trying to bait me into leaving*

*Grocery Shop Complete*

Kid Bane: And now I shall scream in the car for all to hear what a bad Mommy you are! Ooh! The mechanical pony! I WILL ride it.

Me: No.  

Kid Bane: That wasn't a request ...

Yup, I guaran-fucking-tee that you will be stifling church level giggles if you imagine dialog between yourself and Kid Bane!!! Sure people will think you're a little loopy but hey, you sort of are if you're imaging your child as Kid Bane! And if they think you're a bit mental they'll more than likely move out of your way and vacate the aisle you want to go down, thus resulting in a quick shopping trip.

Congratulations!  YOU WON!!!!

Kid Bane: You forgot your cereal ...

Me: ...